Thursday, February 16, 2012


Sara Bareilles plays in the background.

A pile of laundry lies at the foot of my bed.

Books are strewn carelessly across my comforter.

One child is laughing, the other is whining.

There are phone calls & emails to be returned.

There are job inquiries to be made, taxes to be filed, and thank you letters to be mailed.

There are unsung melodies floating my head,

words waiting to be strung into lyrics,

album concepts and ideas laying lifeless for lack of money to keep them alive.

What's next?

Go back to school for music theory?

Send our 6yo to public school ?

Stay in Michigan? Move to Nashville?

Have another baby?

There are so many choices to be made...

so many things to be done....

and all I can do it sit here and breathe...and whisper a prayer.

I'm stuck.

Between the waiting,

between my dreams,

between my prayers prayed and answered...

I'm stuck.

Ever been there?

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Intentional Love

I've been thinking a lot about love lately.

Marriage is a day to day parade of all sorts of emotions.

Mood swings, bills, unresolved disagreements ....

It can all lead to one moment when something small turns into something and BOOM

Words are said

Feelings are hurt

Wounds are re opened.

And every day a decision must be made

To love.

Just like marriage; parenting comes with an array of emotions.

I love my children with a love I never knew I was capable of. It is innate desire to protect them from all harm, to raise them to be loving, kind, honest individuals. It would be my hearts greatest thrill to see them grow up to be successful in every single thing they attempt to accomplish.

But the truth is...I can't protect them from everything.

I can't raise them to be perfect particularly when I am not perfect myself.

My 6yo is so easy to love...

With his blue eyes, infectious laugh, and willingness to help, I can't help but hold him dear.

But he's stubborn. He talks back. And he often hurts my heart deeply with his often blatant comments said with no intention to hurt me, but hurting me nonetheless .

"Why is daddy more fun?"

"I didn't like my dinner"

"I don't want you to play with me"

These words have hurt me to my core.

I want to put him in his room & make him stay there until he knows how much I sacrifice to be home with him most of the time. I want him to understand the singing career I gave up to be his mom....the shopping sprees & vacations I don't have so that he can have what he needs. I want him to taste the salty tears I cry when I have to discipline him becaus he's been dishonest or disrespectful.

And then I see myself in him.

I see the leader struggling to balance when to speak & when to stay quiet.
I see the sensitive side that hurts & withdraws when corrected.
I see the inquisitive dreamer that would rather daydream & create than clean a room or practice reading.

I see the child that longs to please her Father, but often just doesn't get it right.
The child who knows she's said, done or thought she doesn't pray not to offend a Holy God. One day of prayerlessness turns into 2 days...2 days into a week, and so on.
I see the child who needs to be corrected, but also needs grace.

I see myself.

And I'm learning...

Learning to love my boy through it all.
The back talking, the stubbornness, the dishonesty....
Because Jesus loves me through it all. He corrects me...and He loves me.
Today I wrote my son a love note & stuck it in Hus lunch box.

Mommy loves you....

And today he ran to me after school & kissed me without my asking.
He hung his coat up on a hanger instead of throwing it on the floor.
He didn't pout when I said he couldn't have cookies before dinner.

I showed him today that I love him through it all...

Just like God loves us both....

Through it ALL.